You know the drill: an argument about the dishes, about coming home late, or about who didn't call whom. You sort it out, make up, and a week later it's back, just in a different outfit. Usually it's not that you're a bad match. It's that each of you is dealing with something different from what you're actually arguing about.
An argument about a small thing is an argument about a need
The Enneagram describes nine strategies for coping with life. Each has its main need and its main fear. When your partner unknowingly steps on them, a small thing suddenly hurts more than it should.
A few examples:
- For a Perfectionist (1), the dishes aren't just dishes. They're a question of whether things get done properly and whether the other person can be relied on.
- An Altruist (2) isn't upset about a forgotten phone call, but about the feeling that they don't matter to the other person.
- A Traditionalist (6) needs to know where they stand. Coming home late without a message sets off worry in them, not just anger.
- A Mediator (9) would rather avoid the argument. They back down, but the dissatisfaction builds up and comes out later in another form.
- A Leader (8) needs directness. When they sense people tiptoeing around them, they push even harder.
As long as you're arguing about the dishes, neither of you is talking about what you really need. And that's why it keeps coming back.
Arguments that go round in circles in certain pairs
Some combinations have their favourite argument:
- Altruist and Expert (2 and 5): the Two wants closeness and more contact, the Five needs space. The more one pushes, the more the other withdraws.
- Strategist and Mediator (3 and 9): the Three wants to act and move things forward, the Nine doesn't want to be rushed. One feels held back, the other feels pressured.
- Perfectionist and Optimist (1 and 7): the One keeps an eye on things being in order, the Seven wants experiences and freedom. One comes across as a supervisor, the other as irresponsible.
None of these pairs is doomed to fail. They just need to know what's going on between them.
What helps
- Name the need, not the fault. Instead of “you're late again,” try “I need to know where I stand.”
- Ask what's underneath. When the other person reacts more strongly than the situation warrants, you've probably touched their main need.
- Get to know the other person's strategy. You'll stop taking plenty of arguments personally once you understand your partner is just protecting what matters most to them.
How to find out for the two of you
General descriptions help, but every couple is different. It depends on which strategy each of you has, and on subtype too: a one-to-one Four and a self-preservation Four experience a relationship completely differently.
The Couples Guide is made for exactly this. Each of you takes a short test and you get a guide written for your specific combination: what draws you to each other, where you get stuck, how to understand each other, and what helps the two of you in particular. The arguments won't disappear entirely, but you'll finally know what they're really about.
