Relationships between strategies

49 in a relationship

A gentle, sensitive pair. The Four longs to be awakened by love; the Nine looks to a partner for energy and meaning. At their best, they love each other without conditions.

Strategy 4

Unique Individualist

Desire
Their own identity and meaning
Fear
Emptiness and ordinariness

Strategy 9

Calm Mediator

Desire
Inner peace and harmony
Fear
Conflict, separation, and loss of connection

How they're connected

They're not directly connected. Pairs like this are often drawn to each other precisely because of their differences.

What draws them together

The Four talks about a lifelong longing to "wake up through love"; the Nine looks to a partner for energy and direction. At their best, they can love each other without expectations or reproach. At their worst, each expects the impossible from the other: the Four lasting emotional fulfilment, the Nine to have a life served up to them.

Early on, the Four tends to be thrilled that someone accepts them, flaws and all. The Nine's patient presence shields them from the fear of abandonment and from feelings of inadequacy. The Nine doesn't need to change their partner, but in return wants unconditional acceptance.

Where they click

  • A gentle, loving relationship.
  • The Nine accepts the Four completely.
  • The Four helps the Nine wake up and find their own feelings.

The rest is in the Couples Guide. How to get it

Where the friction is

  • The Four wants intensity; the Nine wants calm.
  • The Four puts conditions on love: "I'd love you more if…"
  • Both hate criticism, and both like to shift the blame onto others.

The rest is in the Couples Guide. How to get it

Working together

At work, their differences complement each other well. The Four usually deals with the public; the Nine keeps things running. The Four loves creative moments; the Nine loves clear rules that spare them constant decision-making. The Four gives things a personal stamp; the Nine puts them into practice.

The rest is in the Couples Guide. How to get it

The two of you, specifically

This is only a general description of the Four and Nine pairing. The Couples Guide goes deeper: you both take the Quick Test, and the guide works with your subtypes. The self-preservation, social, and one-to-one versions of the same strategy behave completely differently in a relationship.

  • The full text on where you get stuck and how to get out
  • Advice for each of you separately
  • The two of you, specifically: your combination of subtypes
  • How to understand your partner
  • Tips for growing together

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All combinations

What are the two of you really like?

Here you're reading how Individualist and Mediator generally work together. The Couples Guide shows your relationship: what draws you to each other, where you get stuck, and what to do about it.

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